I've been doing my morning pages as part of The Artist's Way and today I realized something that seems so obvious but I think I've never quite grasped the concept.
I feel like I have been seated on top of a fence for years. The slightest breeze could tip me either direction. One side of fence is a totally obsessive musician and the other side totally "real world", non musical. This dualism has been difficult for me and I've always tried to make a decision to essentially get off the fence in either direction. However, right now, I'm grateful that I haven't done that.
For years I have been so hard on myself. Wondering if I have made the right decisions. Judging myself for not giving up every single thing to sing. Not moving to NYC or Germany by myself and really giving up everything in my life to sing. I do regret this at times and the painful and destructive, "what if".
What I am starting to come to realize is that had I done the aforementioned, I would not have the life that I have now. I would never had met James and gotten married. I wouldn't have our house out in the mountains with our adorable dog. I wouldn't have my new family. I wouldn't have our wonderful friends in this beautiful city in which we live. We are very blessed indeed.
But, had I totally fallen on the nonmusical side of the fence I would have missed countless amazing experiences in my life. Times that have shaped me and that will be cherished memories always. I wouldn't have sung incredible music with exceptional people. I wouldn't have taught at the Texas A&M University Commerce. I wouldn't be singing for Central City and Opera Colorado now.
So, I'm learning regret and self doubt is essentially pointless. I can't change the past and I'm not sure I would even want to if I could. I know I wouldn't want to miss having James in my life.
So I'm attempting to switch my perception towards the future. I can't do a damn thing about the past. But, I can approach the future with more wisdom, graciousness and gratitude.
Which again reminds me that inspiration is EVERYWHERE, on my Yogi tea the tea bag said:
"Those who live in the past limit the future"
That didn't speak to me at first. But it definitely strikes a chord now.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Day #2 Inner critic - you suck, go away
Ok, I'm here. Keeping my promise day #2.
I have no idea if people really care that I write here or not. But I need this to keep myself accountable. If this blog in some way, anyway helps someone else than that is incredible and I am truly grateful that my selfish musings actually serve a greater purpose.
I wrote my morning pages already, which is one of the basic tools for The Artist's Way. Wake up, write three pages, anything, just anything. Write. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes this is very difficult. It's amazing how you start judging even what you're writing. These aren't meant to serve as "art" they are meant to be a form of meditation and silencing your inner critic. Its absolutely amazing to me how many times my inner critic will pop up in these pages. I will write something, free flowing thought, and then my inner critic will say, "what? why would you write that? that's not true! that sounds stupid!" So then I write, my inner critic is saying this is stupid. Then I move on. How sad that I even judge myself in something so simple and pure. My hope through this process is to silence that inner critic.
Another basic tool for The Artist's Way is taking yourself on a weekly artist date. All by yourself, anything. If I listen to music I'm working on, it feels like work. I need to find more freedom and play in my work. So I feel like listening to Beethoven 9, just sit and listen. Nothing else. That's my next commitment.
Hopefully this positive energy is working in some universal way. Yesterday, I definitely felt that way. I had been accepted as a Central City Opera Ensemble Artist in October. However, they had yet to contact me. Yesterday, several hours after my commitment to this blog and this year long project. I got the news that I have my first gig with Central City. I get to sing for their Season Teaser Dinner. Works from Ned Rorem's Our Town and Show Boat along with other arias yet to be selected. I'm so excited! I get paid to work for Central City, get to wear a fancy dress and I get free dinner. You're paying me AND feeding me? SCORE!
Finally, when you start looking for inspiration you start finding it EVERYWHERE. I was at spin class yesterday, which I actually hate but do anyway. I hate it because it works me harder than any other exercise I do. The instructor said "If you want to get stronger you have to change the way you think about the discomfort". I love that. You can apply it to every aspect of life. So I am learning to live in the discomfort and maybe *enjoy* it because I know that it is making me stronger.
I have no idea if people really care that I write here or not. But I need this to keep myself accountable. If this blog in some way, anyway helps someone else than that is incredible and I am truly grateful that my selfish musings actually serve a greater purpose.
I wrote my morning pages already, which is one of the basic tools for The Artist's Way. Wake up, write three pages, anything, just anything. Write. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes this is very difficult. It's amazing how you start judging even what you're writing. These aren't meant to serve as "art" they are meant to be a form of meditation and silencing your inner critic. Its absolutely amazing to me how many times my inner critic will pop up in these pages. I will write something, free flowing thought, and then my inner critic will say, "what? why would you write that? that's not true! that sounds stupid!" So then I write, my inner critic is saying this is stupid. Then I move on. How sad that I even judge myself in something so simple and pure. My hope through this process is to silence that inner critic.
Another basic tool for The Artist's Way is taking yourself on a weekly artist date. All by yourself, anything. If I listen to music I'm working on, it feels like work. I need to find more freedom and play in my work. So I feel like listening to Beethoven 9, just sit and listen. Nothing else. That's my next commitment.
Hopefully this positive energy is working in some universal way. Yesterday, I definitely felt that way. I had been accepted as a Central City Opera Ensemble Artist in October. However, they had yet to contact me. Yesterday, several hours after my commitment to this blog and this year long project. I got the news that I have my first gig with Central City. I get to sing for their Season Teaser Dinner. Works from Ned Rorem's Our Town and Show Boat along with other arias yet to be selected. I'm so excited! I get paid to work for Central City, get to wear a fancy dress and I get free dinner. You're paying me AND feeding me? SCORE!
Finally, when you start looking for inspiration you start finding it EVERYWHERE. I was at spin class yesterday, which I actually hate but do anyway. I hate it because it works me harder than any other exercise I do. The instructor said "If you want to get stronger you have to change the way you think about the discomfort". I love that. You can apply it to every aspect of life. So I am learning to live in the discomfort and maybe *enjoy* it because I know that it is making me stronger.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Day #1 - The Scariest
I want to tell you a moment that made a huge impression on me. But first, I need to share a background story.
James and I love to go out on the slopes. He boards and I ski. Sometimes when the trail is particularly steep or James has just taken a spill, he loses faith and gets scared (sorry hon). I don't know a ton about skiing, but I do know this: when we get scared and try to fight what is natural, we fail. Going downhill, moving with gravity and the elements, is scary; however, necessary. When we get scared, we fight, work hard, flounder and flail. Ultimately, it is no fun and we have a much higher propensity to give up. When we get scared we lose our flow, there is no rhythm to what we are doing. It's analogous with someone that can't swim that is suddenly thrown into water; they thrash about. Wasted energy. No direction, thrashing. I don't want to thrash through life anymore. All I have been doing for the past 7 months is thrash about with no particular direction, and it's exhausting. I've been drowning and I need to stop "working" and start moving with the flow. To swim.
Back to skiing, what do I say, as a loving wife, to my husband when he hesitates before a steep slope? I get in his face and say, "Stop being a pussy, Brandt! Go down that mountain". Loving, right? It actually is. He always goes down the trail and does much better than I do.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, if you know me I change my mind CONSTANTLY about what I want to do with my life. I love music and always have but constantly run away and then instantly run back.
Yesterday morning James called me from the restroom, "hon, com here!". I walked in as he was putting his contact in. He said to me, "you know I've been thinking about it and you have said that music is the only thing that makes you happy and the only that you're passionate about, right? Well, stop being a pussy Brandt. You get scared and run away. Stop running away."
This might not sound like the most loving or appropriate thing for a husband to say to his wife. However; I knew it was the most loving thing he could have done. No one ever calls me out, at least not to my face. This is the greatest it and truth he could have given me. I know he was thinking about the times we were on the mountain and we faced our fears together. I love you, James. Thank you, James.
Why do I fear? I have realized that God has put this desire and love in my heart. Who am I to decide it's too scary? Why run? It feels awful to run. I haven't put my trust in God and his amazing works.
So, this is my year of Yes. Yes to God, yes to myself and yes to my true calling in life; which is to work in music. To sing and to teach.
I will start out this change my following Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. It is a 12 week program that I have started and haven't finished twice. So here I am putting this on the internet to be held accountable. If I don't write here, I'm not following my program. I'm not practicing, I'm not taking care of my voice.
So day #1. Terrifying to open up like this. Exhilarating to head forth in a new direction.
James and I love to go out on the slopes. He boards and I ski. Sometimes when the trail is particularly steep or James has just taken a spill, he loses faith and gets scared (sorry hon). I don't know a ton about skiing, but I do know this: when we get scared and try to fight what is natural, we fail. Going downhill, moving with gravity and the elements, is scary; however, necessary. When we get scared, we fight, work hard, flounder and flail. Ultimately, it is no fun and we have a much higher propensity to give up. When we get scared we lose our flow, there is no rhythm to what we are doing. It's analogous with someone that can't swim that is suddenly thrown into water; they thrash about. Wasted energy. No direction, thrashing. I don't want to thrash through life anymore. All I have been doing for the past 7 months is thrash about with no particular direction, and it's exhausting. I've been drowning and I need to stop "working" and start moving with the flow. To swim.
Back to skiing, what do I say, as a loving wife, to my husband when he hesitates before a steep slope? I get in his face and say, "Stop being a pussy, Brandt! Go down that mountain". Loving, right? It actually is. He always goes down the trail and does much better than I do.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, if you know me I change my mind CONSTANTLY about what I want to do with my life. I love music and always have but constantly run away and then instantly run back.
Yesterday morning James called me from the restroom, "hon, com here!". I walked in as he was putting his contact in. He said to me, "you know I've been thinking about it and you have said that music is the only thing that makes you happy and the only that you're passionate about, right? Well, stop being a pussy Brandt. You get scared and run away. Stop running away."
This might not sound like the most loving or appropriate thing for a husband to say to his wife. However; I knew it was the most loving thing he could have done. No one ever calls me out, at least not to my face. This is the greatest it and truth he could have given me. I know he was thinking about the times we were on the mountain and we faced our fears together. I love you, James. Thank you, James.
Why do I fear? I have realized that God has put this desire and love in my heart. Who am I to decide it's too scary? Why run? It feels awful to run. I haven't put my trust in God and his amazing works.
So, this is my year of Yes. Yes to God, yes to myself and yes to my true calling in life; which is to work in music. To sing and to teach.
I will start out this change my following Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. It is a 12 week program that I have started and haven't finished twice. So here I am putting this on the internet to be held accountable. If I don't write here, I'm not following my program. I'm not practicing, I'm not taking care of my voice.
So day #1. Terrifying to open up like this. Exhilarating to head forth in a new direction.
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