Day #1 - The Scariest

I want to tell you a moment that made a huge impression on me. But first, I need to share a background story.

James and I love to go out on the slopes. He boards and I ski. Sometimes when the trail is particularly steep or James has just taken a spill, he loses faith and gets scared (sorry hon). I don't know a ton about skiing, but I do know this: when we get scared and try to fight what is natural, we fail. Going downhill, moving with gravity and the elements, is scary; however, necessary. When we get scared, we fight, work hard, flounder and flail. Ultimately, it is no fun and we have a much higher propensity to give up. When we get scared we lose our flow, there is no rhythm to what we are doing. It's analogous with someone that can't swim that is suddenly thrown into water; they thrash about. Wasted energy. No direction, thrashing. I don't want to thrash through life anymore. All I have been doing for the past 7 months is thrash about with no particular direction, and it's exhausting. I've been drowning and I need to stop "working" and start moving with the flow. To swim.

Back to skiing, what do I say, as a loving wife, to my husband when he hesitates before a steep slope? I get in his face and say, "Stop being a pussy, Brandt! Go down that mountain". Loving, right? It actually is. He always goes down the trail and does much better than I do.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, if you know me I change my mind CONSTANTLY about what I want to do with my life. I love music and always have but constantly run away and then instantly run back.

Yesterday morning James called me from the restroom, "hon, com here!". I walked in as he was putting his contact in. He said to me, "you know I've been thinking about it and you have said that music is the only thing that makes you happy and the only that you're passionate about, right? Well, stop being a pussy Brandt. You get scared and run away. Stop running away."

This might not sound like the most loving or appropriate thing for a husband to say to his wife. However; I knew it was the most loving thing he could have done. No one ever calls me out, at least not to my face. This is the greatest it and truth he could have given me. I know he was thinking about the times we were on the mountain and we faced our fears together. I love you, James. Thank you, James.

Why do I fear? I have realized that God has put this desire and love in my heart. Who am I to decide it's too scary? Why run? It feels awful to run. I haven't put my trust in God and his amazing works.

So, this is my year of Yes. Yes to God, yes to myself and yes to my true calling in life; which is to work in music. To sing and to teach.

I will start out this change my following Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. It is a 12 week program that I have started and haven't finished twice. So here I am putting this on the internet to be held accountable. If I don't write here, I'm not following my program. I'm not practicing, I'm not taking care of my voice.

So day #1. Terrifying to open up like this. Exhilarating to head forth in a new direction.