Day #4 - Revelations

I've been doing my morning pages as part of The Artist's Way and today I realized something that seems so obvious but I think I've never quite grasped the concept.

I feel like I have been seated on top of a fence for years. The slightest breeze could tip me either direction. One side of fence is a totally obsessive musician and the other side totally "real world", non musical. This dualism has been difficult for me and I've always tried to make a decision to essentially get off the fence in either direction. However, right now, I'm grateful that I haven't done that.

For years I have been so hard on myself. Wondering if I have made the right decisions. Judging myself for not giving up every single thing to sing. Not moving to NYC or Germany by myself and really giving up everything in my life to sing. I do regret this at times and the painful and destructive, "what if".

What I am starting to come to realize is that had I done the aforementioned, I would not have the life that I have now. I would never had met James and gotten married. I wouldn't have our house out in the mountains with our adorable dog. I wouldn't have my new family. I wouldn't have our wonderful friends in this beautiful city in which we live. We are very blessed indeed.

But, had I totally fallen on the nonmusical side of the fence I would have missed countless amazing experiences in my life. Times that have shaped me and that will be cherished memories always. I wouldn't have sung incredible music with exceptional people. I wouldn't have taught at the Texas A&M University Commerce. I wouldn't be singing for Central City and Opera Colorado now.

So, I'm learning regret and self doubt is essentially pointless. I can't change the past and I'm not sure I would even want to if I could. I know I wouldn't want to miss having James in my life.

So I'm attempting to switch my perception towards the future. I can't do a damn thing about the past. But, I can approach the future with more wisdom, graciousness and gratitude.

Which again reminds me that inspiration is EVERYWHERE, on my Yogi tea the tea bag said:

"Those who live in the past limit the future"

That didn't speak to me at first. But it definitely strikes a chord now.